Well that was interesting

So I was watching X-men Evolution out of boredom and interest earlier. It was the episode in which Kitty Pryde is introduced. But something seemed a little familiar.

ignore the ridiculous fashion and jean's even more ridiculous "hero" getup. that's not what we're here for

Kitty's dad....

LOOKS JUST LIKE MY OWN FATHER

??!!!!??? And Bethany agreed.
I guess my dad looks like a typical dad. Big surprise O:

"I don't look like a cartoon."

Sorry about that, Dad. I love you c:

Stars at her heels

So this is what I'm walking around in these days.

 I've had these shoes for five and a half years, and the soles were coming off at the toes. They're really great shoes. I didn't want to part with them. They had yellow curb paint flecks on them (thanks to a community service project on a windy day) that reminded me of stars in a dark sky. So I duct taped them back together. Then they looked trashy, so I painted them. I started with the stars, in honor of the curb. Acrylic. The rest was just whatever came to mind. Left heel's still my favorite. Replaced the laces. The left one won't stay tied. They're conversation starters. Strangers comment on them. I feel like an artist when I wear them.

Probably because I am.

On Crushes and Singleness

This post is actually kind of organized and thought out. Don't worry, I put a gif after like, every paragraph. Bear with me.

Yesterday when walking to the library I was asked by a stranger if I had a boyfriend... I said "no, and I don't want one. Sorry." And kept walking. I guess I'm a cold person. But does anyone really expect something to come of asking that to a person off the street? What's up with that?

Am I gonna have to use this?

It's just very evident to me most of the time that I don't need a man. I'm independent, I'm not interested in the ~stuff~ that comes with marriage, or the resulting kiddos (I don't think I would be good at raising children), which means pursuing a relationship only to say "whoops sorry i guess it ends here" is shortsighted, selfish, and immature. Sure, cuddling and smooching and having a boyfriend is a very attractive idea at times, but stepping back and looking at the big picture, it wouldn't be fair to me or a boy to just jump into dating. It would take a very special type of man to get me married, I think, because there would be some pretty serious roadblocks we'd have to work around and be totally okay with.

If so, it... might not work out between us.

And I'm content being single, so why entangle myself in a relationship that takes so much time and energy? I'd much rather put those resources toward making art and writing and stuff. After all, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that it is his opinion that single people who are able to control their desires can focus more on being devoted to God, you know, and I think part of that is definitely doing the work that He has for them.

I just think this gif is fantastic. So sue me.

I'll admit I still have romantic tendencies. Most of it, over my short seven or so years of having crushes, ends up being directed toward fictional characters. Not entirely sure why, but maybe it's because they'll never pressure me to do something I don't wanna. Maybe there's some feeling of "safety" in that. It never has to be anything but fluff in my head. Which is, of course, not like a real relationship at all.

Reality hits hard, like a vending machine thrown across urban Japan.

Crushes directed towards real people (which, these days, are very rare and two out of the five have been celebrities), tend to have the same problems.
I treat the person, too often, like a character. I like to daydream, but the tendency is to make my desired boy say nice and sweet things to me, or to act romantically toward me in ways that he might never actually do, because he is a real person who has his own opinions of me and his own feelings, and I have no control over those. Yet I let these vivid fantasies attach me to him more, as if he actually did affection me in this way. In short, using people for my own pleasure.

We have a problem.

It seems innocent on the surface. Just daydreaming. Everybody does it. But I've come to realize that for the brief pleasure in the form of fuzzy feelings I receive, there are two wounds made.

1. I wound the object of my affections, whether he knows it or not, by devaluing his subjectivity and treating him as, well, not his own person. I act as if he is not a valuable I, a person created by God, like me, with his own thoughts and desires.
2. I wound myself, by creating unfair expectations. By fooling myself into thinking that pleasure can be separated from actual relationship building (perhaps a much milder equivalent of a one night stand). Or thinking that if I could only get the attention of a certain boy, things would be this way. I, well aware of my probable single future, am teaching myself to chase after stimulation of nice feelings, which can only ever lead to disaster. 

With the crushing realization of these points, it is clear to me that "innocent" daydreams can also be sin. To devalue another human life is cruel. To chase empty pleasures is folly. And yes, that definitely includes going all romantic over fictional characters. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly be able to keep all my squishy desires in check. The point is that I need God's help to take control of my mind. My whims should not rule me.
My thoughts would be much better set elsewhere. I have a lot of stories to tell.

Just for fun, later, I might make a pros and cons list of being single vs being married, from my perspective. It's been bouncing around the back of my mind for a while, and people like fun lists.

A blogger with a lot to say about the whole "valuing a person" thing is Marc Barnes over at Bad Catholic. He has a lot of good things to say about all sorts of stuff, actually. It's heavy, but deep. Intense. Maybe not for the younger readers though. He does swear and talk about grown-up stuff a lot. (I know I put content disclaimers on my blog a lot. I have younger brothers who read my posts sometimes, okay? I'm being responsible.)

EDIT: I realize that it may have sounded like I was completely condemning daydreaming. Absolutely not! I am recognizing a problem in my own habits, explaining it, and planning to change. The kind of daydreaming I'm talking about is very vivid and consuming, but shallow and has very little real story to it. It exists simply to make me feel good, and I don't even get a worthwhile story out of it in the end. That's what I'm trying to eliminate. c:

A bit of a girly day

Waking up around noontime today, and having absolutely nothing planned, and being alone at the apartment with a bunch of makeup that we got from Peggy's grandma, I decided I would TRY IT. gasp.

before. No makeup. cool hair though.

After foundation. No big, I put that on sometimes.

Then I took a shot at EYESHADOW. yikes

i spent way too long on my eyes but I guess they turned out okay. i also wore lipstick

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I already felt different. like i was becoming some mega babe. but it wasn't me. hahaha

 

 Since it was quite obvious that I had the capability to look like a pretty typical teen girl, I borrowed some clothes from my roomies and donned my favorite blonde wig. I even wore a JEWELERY

JUST THINK WHAT I WOULD BE CAPABLE OF, WHAT POWER I MIGHT HAVE

I WOULD STEAL ALL THE HEARTS lol

So that was fun, but eventually I took off the lipstick because I wanted to eat with no hesitation. And while I can't feel all the makeup that I'm still wearing, I marvel that women all across the first world spend this much time EVERY SINGLE DAY and I know I could never. Plus I look way too flirty like this like wow. It just doesn't feel like me.
However, I really like wearing this wig. It's kind of making me consider growing my own hair out. (though I suspect that once my hair reaches my shoulder blades I'll just be like NOPE and chop it all off again...)

Overheard

I went out and did errands yesterday. Took the bus, went to the bank, went to the grocery store, and then went to catch the bus again, only to see it driving up the street before I could even cross to the right side to catch it! It only runs about once an hour. "Dang it" I said, for I was doomed to a 45 minute walk home. Carrying groceries. Fun!!! But the bus driver saw me and pulled over at not-a-stop to let me get on.
"Thanks," I said, "I thought I missed it."
"Well, you almost did," he replied, "but I recognized you, and I didn't want to be mean."
Bus drivers are great people, in general. I've had so many pleasant experiences with them. There have only been a couple I've had to deal with who I didn't really like.

At the next stop, this woman got on who was asking the driver odd questions. She seemed to think that someone (or a group of someones) was trying to invade her privacy by using bus intercoms and her cell phone to remind her about some past accident. It was the police, she was sure, because who else would have that kind of access and power? Whoever it was, they were definitely changing their voice with a special microphone so that she couldn't identify them, and they were targeting her because she could only afford a cheap cell phone plan. People who don't pay enough money get picked on (by the police). It was also because she was a woman, and whoever it was was probably a man who thought women were the weaker sex. I felt a little sorry for the bus driver, because she was going the opposite direction and got on the bus on the wrong side of the street, so she was going to stay on the bus when it turned around and went back. That's at least another 45 minutes to an hour. And it didn't seem like she was going to stop talking about the conspiracies against her anytime soon.

Breaking: my neighbor just walked by my door talking loudly on his phone about how "the power you have to manipulate the universe" and stuff like that. Spooooooky.

I love eavesdropping. Not gonna lie. People can be pretty interesting.

Goals for the New Year

I managed to dig up my goals post from last year (which I had failed to tag with the label "goals.")

So now it's time to evaluate how I did and set some new ones.

2013 GOAL REVIEW

a) Quell my use of speech fillers
and b) Use correct grammar and punctuation in general on the Internet, even when I'm being silly

... I DID SO WELL ON THAT ONE LIKE WHAT wow im so impressed much progress it's all thanks to the tumbles thank you tumblr <3333 p="">

 

 c) move to Austin.

 

d) eating healthy and being active.
-cries for twelve years- I moved out and I started eating at weird times and way too often. In addition, college students buying their own food tend to purchase cheap and options that are not so healthy. I do walk or take the bus nearly everywhere I go, but my work is five minutes away and I don't get out much. And I've gone to the gym maybe 3 times this year, and one of those times I didn't even really try. I gained probably 5 pounds since moving out, and though I'm still in the healthy range, I'm disappointed in myself for letting good habits go.

e) fledge fighters!!
I did meet my goal of making lots of progress and even of launching the comic, though I only got 6 panels in. At this point I'm looking at doing a little more planning and then relaunching since I've gotten some very good ideas since starting it... like an actual direction to take the story. So things are looking up here.

2014 GOALS

Let's keep it pretty simple here.

----1----> Fix my eating habits. Eat when I'm hungry, not when I "should" or just because someone else is; eat things that are good for me, not just whatever looks good at the time; and stop eating when I've had enough.

----2----> Develop my creative skills, especially in regards to comics. I'd like to take creative leaps in all directions, while especially honing in on valuable skills relating to sequential story art.

----3----> Spend less time on the internet (especially tumblr and watching shows) and more time exploring the world and making things. Go to the movies more often instead of watching TV from my laptop. Photograph things instead of just browsing things other people have photographed.  The world wide web is a tool, not a tomb. Despite this, I'd like to be more involved in my dear TWIG and get back on the blogging wagon. I just don't want using the internet to be a passive distraction.

Good night world. The year is new, and I'm really tired already.