On Crushes and Singleness

This post is actually kind of organized and thought out. Don't worry, I put a gif after like, every paragraph. Bear with me.

Yesterday when walking to the library I was asked by a stranger if I had a boyfriend... I said "no, and I don't want one. Sorry." And kept walking. I guess I'm a cold person. But does anyone really expect something to come of asking that to a person off the street? What's up with that?

Am I gonna have to use this?

It's just very evident to me most of the time that I don't need a man. I'm independent, I'm not interested in the ~stuff~ that comes with marriage, or the resulting kiddos (I don't think I would be good at raising children), which means pursuing a relationship only to say "whoops sorry i guess it ends here" is shortsighted, selfish, and immature. Sure, cuddling and smooching and having a boyfriend is a very attractive idea at times, but stepping back and looking at the big picture, it wouldn't be fair to me or a boy to just jump into dating. It would take a very special type of man to get me married, I think, because there would be some pretty serious roadblocks we'd have to work around and be totally okay with.

If so, it... might not work out between us.

And I'm content being single, so why entangle myself in a relationship that takes so much time and energy? I'd much rather put those resources toward making art and writing and stuff. After all, Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that it is his opinion that single people who are able to control their desires can focus more on being devoted to God, you know, and I think part of that is definitely doing the work that He has for them.

I just think this gif is fantastic. So sue me.

I'll admit I still have romantic tendencies. Most of it, over my short seven or so years of having crushes, ends up being directed toward fictional characters. Not entirely sure why, but maybe it's because they'll never pressure me to do something I don't wanna. Maybe there's some feeling of "safety" in that. It never has to be anything but fluff in my head. Which is, of course, not like a real relationship at all.

Reality hits hard, like a vending machine thrown across urban Japan.

Crushes directed towards real people (which, these days, are very rare and two out of the five have been celebrities), tend to have the same problems.
I treat the person, too often, like a character. I like to daydream, but the tendency is to make my desired boy say nice and sweet things to me, or to act romantically toward me in ways that he might never actually do, because he is a real person who has his own opinions of me and his own feelings, and I have no control over those. Yet I let these vivid fantasies attach me to him more, as if he actually did affection me in this way. In short, using people for my own pleasure.

We have a problem.

It seems innocent on the surface. Just daydreaming. Everybody does it. But I've come to realize that for the brief pleasure in the form of fuzzy feelings I receive, there are two wounds made.

1. I wound the object of my affections, whether he knows it or not, by devaluing his subjectivity and treating him as, well, not his own person. I act as if he is not a valuable I, a person created by God, like me, with his own thoughts and desires.
2. I wound myself, by creating unfair expectations. By fooling myself into thinking that pleasure can be separated from actual relationship building (perhaps a much milder equivalent of a one night stand). Or thinking that if I could only get the attention of a certain boy, things would be this way. I, well aware of my probable single future, am teaching myself to chase after stimulation of nice feelings, which can only ever lead to disaster. 

With the crushing realization of these points, it is clear to me that "innocent" daydreams can also be sin. To devalue another human life is cruel. To chase empty pleasures is folly. And yes, that definitely includes going all romantic over fictional characters. I'm not saying I'm going to suddenly be able to keep all my squishy desires in check. The point is that I need God's help to take control of my mind. My whims should not rule me.
My thoughts would be much better set elsewhere. I have a lot of stories to tell.

Just for fun, later, I might make a pros and cons list of being single vs being married, from my perspective. It's been bouncing around the back of my mind for a while, and people like fun lists.

A blogger with a lot to say about the whole "valuing a person" thing is Marc Barnes over at Bad Catholic. He has a lot of good things to say about all sorts of stuff, actually. It's heavy, but deep. Intense. Maybe not for the younger readers though. He does swear and talk about grown-up stuff a lot. (I know I put content disclaimers on my blog a lot. I have younger brothers who read my posts sometimes, okay? I'm being responsible.)

EDIT: I realize that it may have sounded like I was completely condemning daydreaming. Absolutely not! I am recognizing a problem in my own habits, explaining it, and planning to change. The kind of daydreaming I'm talking about is very vivid and consuming, but shallow and has very little real story to it. It exists simply to make me feel good, and I don't even get a worthwhile story out of it in the end. That's what I'm trying to eliminate. c: